If you have noticed at all, I haven’t really posted anything the past few weeks. I was feeling really exhausted and sick for a while there. And then I figured out why.
I had my second miscarriage since November. If you know me at all, my Lil Miss is my life. My absolute love. It almost killed me when I was trying to pregnant with her. I had a few miscarriages then. Now that we are trying for baby number 2, I honestly don’t want to go through that kind of turmoil again.
I am the type of person to love easily and to where my heart on my sleeve. These miscarriages have ripped me up from the inside out, plus, I’m having to hide what it’s doing to me so it doesn’t affect my husband and child. Lil Miss has been asking for a sibling for years and now I feel like a failure because I can’t give her the thing that only I can give her. Husband is understanding and is okay with how I feel.
But it still hurts. And I’m so disappointed in myself for not trying harder. But my mental health is important as well.
That driving need to take care of everyone and make sure that their happiness comes first is tearing me apart, though. I can’t do both, not in this situation.
I have 3 choices: keep trying and deal with it. Go to a doctor. Or give up.
And I am not a quitter. I hate that word.
I also hate myself a little for being scared of more miscarriages when there are others out there who can’t have any children either by injury or birth, disease or illness. My problems seem like small potatoes to those people, my heart cries for them. I was lucky enough to have Lil Miss and to see her everyday, to love her every moment. I am so grateful for her. I know I was lucky and am fortunate when there are others who can’t have the same experiences.
If you’ve made it this far, I’m sorry for the rambling. But I wanted to keep you in the loop and make sure you understood that I’m not slacking on purpose. I swear to it.
There will be reviews posted next week, and on Monday will be a special post on the ALLi Author Fringe Event that starts tomorrow morning at 10 am. If you don’t know this is a free, online writer’s conference that runs for a full 24 hours. No matter where you are in your writing/publishing journey there is something for you at this event. I did last year’s event and loved it. I even won a few of the giveaways. (Not sure if there will be any this year, but you should still do it.) Registration is free!!! So don’t miss out!