This Needs To Be Said

If any of you have been paying attention, you’ll know that I am not doing well mentally.

There have been a lot of things going on here. And it has been stressing me out to the point that I’m having anxiety attacks, disassociation, and lashing out.

I’m getting angry at the stupidest things, not eating, not sleeping and not well if at all. I can’t focus on writing. And even reading, my usual go-to when I need to turn my brain off isn’t enjoyable.

So I’m going to take a break. I’m going to work on getting healthy again. That means quitting some bad habits, dialing back all the things I do on a daily basis, and working on reducing stress.

The stress is due to financial stuff mostly, so I’m working on a couple things to help with that. I’ll still be here to do pre-scheduled book reviews, but for the next little while, I don’t know how long, but I’m shooting for at least two weeks of de-stressing.

Today was day 1 of this change, starting with decluttering the house (I spend an abnormal amount of time organizing things in my head when I don’t have much to begin with).

There are things I need to do, things I want to do. I’m buckling down to make those changes.

Wish me luck, guys.

Here’s The Truth

If you have noticed at all, I haven’t really posted anything the past few weeks. I was feeling really exhausted and sick for a while there. And then I figured out why.

I had my second miscarriage since November. If you know me at all, my Lil Miss is my life. My absolute love. It almost killed me when I was trying to pregnant with her. I had a few miscarriages then. Now that we are trying for baby number 2, I honestly don’t want to go through that kind of turmoil again.

I am the type of person to love easily and to where my heart on my sleeve. These miscarriages have ripped me up from the inside out, plus, I’m having to hide what it’s doing to me so it doesn’t affect my husband and child. Lil Miss has been asking for a sibling for years and now I feel like a failure because I can’t give her the thing that only I can give her. Husband is understanding and is okay with how I feel.

But it still hurts. And I’m so disappointed in myself for not trying harder. But my mental health is important as well.

That driving need to take care of everyone and make sure that their happiness comes first is tearing me apart, though. I can’t do both, not in this situation.

I have 3 choices: keep trying and deal with it. Go to a doctor. Or give up.

And I am not a quitter. I hate that word.

I also hate myself a little for being scared of more miscarriages when there are others out there who can’t have any children either by injury or birth, disease or illness. My problems seem like small potatoes to those people, my heart cries for them. I was lucky enough to have Lil Miss and to see her everyday, to love her every moment. I am so grateful for her. I know I was lucky and am fortunate when there are others who can’t have the same experiences.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m sorry for the rambling. But I wanted to keep you in the loop and make sure you understood that I’m not slacking on purpose. I swear to it.

There will be reviews posted next week, and on Monday will be a special post on the ALLi Author Fringe Event that starts tomorrow morning at 10 am. If you don’t know this is a free, online writer’s conference that runs for a full 24 hours. No matter where you are in your writing/publishing journey there is something for you at this event. I did last year’s event and loved it. I even won a few of the giveaways. (Not sure if there will be any this year, but you should still do it.) Registration is free!!! So don’t miss out!

Review: Not Today

Damn, I got that song stuck in my head again.

Anyway…I will not be doing a book review today. I’ve just been too exhausted this pat week to do any reading. I haven’t really done much of anything besides sleeping and watching Lil Miss play.

I force myself to stay awake, check everything online, cook and clean. But I don’t really have much energy for much else.

So here we are…no book review. Hopefully, I’ll have a new review for next week. I just gotta get off my butt and back in working order.

 

Oops…Kinda Fell Off The Track a Little Bit There

Last week posted about resolutions, goals, and all that good stuff.

And then failed in keeping to my new goals for longer than a week. And not even a full week. I mean, come on, what is up with that?

Well, I actually do know what was up with that. My head is in a very bad place last week. But I’m not gonna touch that right now with a fifty foot pole. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Next week will have to be better. Lil Miss already has twenty new words in her reading vocabulary done, which is quite the accomplishment and she’s done really good with fractions. I count that one week of hard (HA! as if) homeschooling as a win. Last week was more about learning her school apps. She’s already mastered most of those but it’s good practice for her.

Amazon Underground has been a life saver there. I’ll post next week more about that (so keep an eye out). So much good stuff there that makes my life much easier.

I’ve decided I’m do a more personal journal on my Facebook page. They will be in the notes section. I want to be more personal there and try to keep things more of the help and share variety here.

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