Fear is a crippling thing. If you let it control you, you cannot do anything. It can be fear of judgement, fear of loss, fear of rejection…any kind of fear can break you down and stamp you out.
It’s why I haven’t been able to write a single sentence in a month, possibly longer. I haven’t even been keeping track. I’m afraid to see just how far I’ve fallen.
And what do I do when I fall under the pressure of fear? I find something to obsess over. A TV show, a book, a series. This time it was a KPop group. I like them so much I have story ideas. But I’m still too afraid to put words to paper.
It’s like a hundred pound weight falls on my shoulders every day I go without writing or editing. I don’t feel strong enough to pick myself off the ground and hold up all the weight.
On top of that, I’ve been sick the past several weeks. I can’t even tell if it’s real or just in my head. I’m so tired. So far past exhaustion that I’m just going with it now, not even fighting.
I feel like I’ve hit my stride, that I’m never going to go anywhere. This is my dead end.
I always felt like people who gave up, just didn’t have the will to keep going, they couldn’t see the end goal anymore. Now I know how those people feel/felt. I’m there, on the verge of giving up.
The walls are pushing in making me feel trapped in a tiny box of existence with no way out. My own limitations and pressures are sucking out all the air. Stresses and life are calling me a failure. And I’m screaming to get out. I’m on the edge of a tall building with nothing holding me up but the wind currents.
And one wrong move could be the last.
Is this self-fulfilling prophecy? Or just another trick of the shadows?